The common theme among the brethren, when one walks into the completely contrasting scenarios of bar or a temple has to be one of these three- happiness; as in a celebration, or an affliction or sometimes trudging a grey line between these two-a moderation of both. Though everyone’s life necessarily has its own share of ups and downs, what everyone wishes for is to absolve one’s life of all “suffering” and bestow only happiness upon their existence.
However, erasing one’s life of all suffering is contradictory to what people have been emotionally and mentally investing in. Ask anyone, and more often than not, you will find people being only just mildly cheerful for whatever little happiness they have, but make their woes to appear far more phenomenal in their emotional and motivational weightage than their joys in life. Why is it that tragedies sell? Why is it that when you hear someone talk about how endowed they are, it sounds boastful but when one rambles about their grief, it elicits sympathy? You seldom find psychiatric disorders which concern concealment of happiness, but it’s rather the negative feelings that need sharing. Potentially, there are a couple of insights into why grief is so attractive.
1. The Anti-hero phenomenon: I suffered so I can do wrong!
The anti hero phenomenon explains why we simply cannot hate heroes with villainous traits to them or vice versa. The anti-hero is supposed to be a virtuoso, though he contradicts it all with his seemingly not-so-righteous deeds. This person is the good hearted gangster, the philanthropic drug lord or the corrupt entrepreneur who gives a means of life to millions of poor people. The mythological anti-hero, Karna from Mahabharata earns a celestial stool in heaven despite being hand in glove with the purportedly evil Kauravas, because as a person, he is philanthropic, generous and righteous. The tragedy of being abandoned by his own mother upon his birth and being disgraced because of his lowly upbringing by the good guys vis. The Pandavas, on a ground where only sportsmanship and prowess should have been regarded, form the core reason for his being on the wrong side. Karna’s apparent wrongdoing, therefore, is justified by his suffering at the hands of those who should have given him justice.
On a negative note, however, modern equivalents find excuses for their faults and follies in the suffering they’ve had in the past, which they mentally or even openly claim, influence their decision making. On an extreme level we may even automate sympathy towards a psychopathic serial killer with a snaking queue of deceased victims, only because he was sexually and physically abused as a child. This is the kind of power that the thought of suffering wields. They might have sinned, but because they were wretched victims of fate, they must originally have been righteous souls and hence, worthy of love. Going by movies like The Godfather, Deewar, Agneepath etc. it is a hopelessly attractive role to don in real life as well.
In day to day life these anti-heroes are often seen as lousy mouthed angry young people, the nicotine/weed/alcohol addicted teenager, the surly faced harsh tongued lady, or even your hot tempered boss. More often than not, their apparent “struggle” in life is made to compensate for their obvious faults. The rest of us are supposed to put up with them lest we not aggrieve these desolate souls further with our rightful rebellions against their inacceptable manner.
Category: Lovable Villains, Excuse Makers
2. The Deserving Phenomenon: I suffered for this and you didn’t, so I deserve it more!
In an era when competition is more cut-throat than dacoits, one’s hardships become the yardstick to determine whether they are likely to match upto any challenges imposed by the world in the future. The more their suffering, the more they have overcome and lived to tell the story, the more they deserve the happiness that has come along. People who were leading fulfilled lives before do not deserve to be happy anymore.
You will often find these people putting you down thus, “You got this just like a piece of cake. What do you know of its value and whether you deserve it or not? I do...I struggled against............”
The truth however is that, struggle is hardly a measure of whether one deserving of something or not. Some get a degree, qualify written exams and get into a job. Some start at the ground level, work like an ox and get the dream position. It is often wrongly assumed that the latter, due to hard work and dedication are the only ones deserving of this position. For their suffering deems it so. The educated idiot just fooled his way inside. So what if he taxed his brains to study for years. So what is he was born brainy in the first place, a privilege that ‘deserving’ masses were not bestowed with. He was brainy and could study because he is a rich twit who has seen no suffering. Talent somehow is always undermined in the face of ‘hard work’ and ‘toiling hard under the scorching sun’.
Ask any IIT student what it means to balance school and coaching classes in an age when most youngsters are enjoying themselves at the beach or going on a month long holiday with their friends. Oh yes, they didn’t push wheelbarrows full of wheat to make their living. But it wasn't required anyway. So just stop complaining.
Category: Fierce Competitors, Losers, Condescending People
3. The Showcase Phenomenon: I suffered, so please lavish your attention on me!
You have a good job, a happy family, nice kids and a decent amount of savings. Congratulations, you’re one of the several thousands of people in the world living the widely accepted idea of a happy life. You’re the picture of an average happy family shown in TV commercials. Read the word average...still happy?
People wishing to showcase their life need just a little more than being the average happy person. They have an inherent need for attention and fame. They are not Tom Cruise or Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking, but they need the fame that accompanies these people, at least in their own small world. What would you do? Read point number one and two to understand the inherent love for suffering in humans.
Showcasing suffering is the quickest way to earn sympathy.
“Yes I have happy everything, but within the microcosm of my life, a particular microscopic particle is missing and I suffer day and night because of it. I laugh my arse off at Jim Carrey movies just so that I can cover up my profound inexistent grief. Oh my spouse has no clue what I went through to get here (traces of Deserving phenomenon). All these years, I told no one but with you I felt I can finally let myself go (repeated to at least a hundred different people).”
This is what most old people who didn’t care to make themselves independent while they were still capable, do to gather the attention of other fellow members of their generation. This is usually accompanied with mutual sharing of arthritic or cardiac complaints. The showcase phenomenon is also thrust before unsuspecting grandchildren and attempts made to turn them away from their parents (Deserving phenomenon- because grandpa suffered more than dad did, he deserves more love and affection from me.) This is a useful tool employed by immature boys and girls to attract the attention of prospective dates. They simply put up facebook statuses proclaiming their ‘grief’, usually due to a broken relationship that was already half baked. Just see the likes and comments pouring in, without having to ever use a pick up line or bravely approach your crush.
Category: Attention Seekers
4. Stalling off envy: Oh you don’t want to live my life, I suffer so much.
I had a classmate who topped the class every single time. The rest of us mere mortals would finish our examination and step out of the hall only to find her deeply immersed in a book or a quiet conversation with her group. We would ask her with a cheerful intent,
“Hey, how did it go?”
“Oh don’t ask me... terrible...I doubt it if I will even pass...”
“It couldn’t have been that bad. I did fine, so you must have done better...”
“You have brains girl, you can pull it off. I didn’t even study for the examination.”
“Ah, nobody does that anyway. So what did you write in question number 8?”
“I wrote nothing. I wrote utter crap.”
“Well, it was fine for me. But I could manage just 500 words and that question was worth 10 marks. I doubt whether I would get 8.”
“Oh god, don’t even ask me, I wrote JUST 15 pages. It’s all crap. I am not even going to get a 1 or 2.”
We would walk away, only to see her score a 90 percent in that paper. People use grief similarly. Praise their new haircut, they complain about their hair loss. Tell someone how active they seem, they complain about their arthritis. Congratulate someone on their graduation, they tell you how worried they are they won’t get a job. They have to make sure you are always concerned for their well being and praying to god to alleviate their problems when they don’t even have any. Their theory- success attracts envy, failure attracts other losers to pray for you. These people despite their edges, do not get far in life, because one day, the losers always wake up to the fact that they’re been taken for a ride. These people are then looked down upon as fake and eventually abandoned.
However, erasing one’s life of all suffering is contradictory to what people have been emotionally and mentally investing in. Ask anyone, and more often than not, you will find people being only just mildly cheerful for whatever little happiness they have, but make their woes to appear far more phenomenal in their emotional and motivational weightage than their joys in life. Why is it that tragedies sell? Why is it that when you hear someone talk about how endowed they are, it sounds boastful but when one rambles about their grief, it elicits sympathy? You seldom find psychiatric disorders which concern concealment of happiness, but it’s rather the negative feelings that need sharing. Potentially, there are a couple of insights into why grief is so attractive.
1. The Anti-hero phenomenon: I suffered so I can do wrong!
The anti hero phenomenon explains why we simply cannot hate heroes with villainous traits to them or vice versa. The anti-hero is supposed to be a virtuoso, though he contradicts it all with his seemingly not-so-righteous deeds. This person is the good hearted gangster, the philanthropic drug lord or the corrupt entrepreneur who gives a means of life to millions of poor people. The mythological anti-hero, Karna from Mahabharata earns a celestial stool in heaven despite being hand in glove with the purportedly evil Kauravas, because as a person, he is philanthropic, generous and righteous. The tragedy of being abandoned by his own mother upon his birth and being disgraced because of his lowly upbringing by the good guys vis. The Pandavas, on a ground where only sportsmanship and prowess should have been regarded, form the core reason for his being on the wrong side. Karna’s apparent wrongdoing, therefore, is justified by his suffering at the hands of those who should have given him justice.
On a negative note, however, modern equivalents find excuses for their faults and follies in the suffering they’ve had in the past, which they mentally or even openly claim, influence their decision making. On an extreme level we may even automate sympathy towards a psychopathic serial killer with a snaking queue of deceased victims, only because he was sexually and physically abused as a child. This is the kind of power that the thought of suffering wields. They might have sinned, but because they were wretched victims of fate, they must originally have been righteous souls and hence, worthy of love. Going by movies like The Godfather, Deewar, Agneepath etc. it is a hopelessly attractive role to don in real life as well.
In day to day life these anti-heroes are often seen as lousy mouthed angry young people, the nicotine/weed/alcohol addicted teenager, the surly faced harsh tongued lady, or even your hot tempered boss. More often than not, their apparent “struggle” in life is made to compensate for their obvious faults. The rest of us are supposed to put up with them lest we not aggrieve these desolate souls further with our rightful rebellions against their inacceptable manner.
Category: Lovable Villains, Excuse Makers
2. The Deserving Phenomenon: I suffered for this and you didn’t, so I deserve it more!
In an era when competition is more cut-throat than dacoits, one’s hardships become the yardstick to determine whether they are likely to match upto any challenges imposed by the world in the future. The more their suffering, the more they have overcome and lived to tell the story, the more they deserve the happiness that has come along. People who were leading fulfilled lives before do not deserve to be happy anymore.
You will often find these people putting you down thus, “You got this just like a piece of cake. What do you know of its value and whether you deserve it or not? I do...I struggled against............”
The truth however is that, struggle is hardly a measure of whether one deserving of something or not. Some get a degree, qualify written exams and get into a job. Some start at the ground level, work like an ox and get the dream position. It is often wrongly assumed that the latter, due to hard work and dedication are the only ones deserving of this position. For their suffering deems it so. The educated idiot just fooled his way inside. So what if he taxed his brains to study for years. So what is he was born brainy in the first place, a privilege that ‘deserving’ masses were not bestowed with. He was brainy and could study because he is a rich twit who has seen no suffering. Talent somehow is always undermined in the face of ‘hard work’ and ‘toiling hard under the scorching sun’.
Ask any IIT student what it means to balance school and coaching classes in an age when most youngsters are enjoying themselves at the beach or going on a month long holiday with their friends. Oh yes, they didn’t push wheelbarrows full of wheat to make their living. But it wasn't required anyway. So just stop complaining.
Category: Fierce Competitors, Losers, Condescending People
3. The Showcase Phenomenon: I suffered, so please lavish your attention on me!
You have a good job, a happy family, nice kids and a decent amount of savings. Congratulations, you’re one of the several thousands of people in the world living the widely accepted idea of a happy life. You’re the picture of an average happy family shown in TV commercials. Read the word average...still happy?
People wishing to showcase their life need just a little more than being the average happy person. They have an inherent need for attention and fame. They are not Tom Cruise or Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking, but they need the fame that accompanies these people, at least in their own small world. What would you do? Read point number one and two to understand the inherent love for suffering in humans.
Showcasing suffering is the quickest way to earn sympathy.
“Yes I have happy everything, but within the microcosm of my life, a particular microscopic particle is missing and I suffer day and night because of it. I laugh my arse off at Jim Carrey movies just so that I can cover up my profound inexistent grief. Oh my spouse has no clue what I went through to get here (traces of Deserving phenomenon). All these years, I told no one but with you I felt I can finally let myself go (repeated to at least a hundred different people).”
This is what most old people who didn’t care to make themselves independent while they were still capable, do to gather the attention of other fellow members of their generation. This is usually accompanied with mutual sharing of arthritic or cardiac complaints. The showcase phenomenon is also thrust before unsuspecting grandchildren and attempts made to turn them away from their parents (Deserving phenomenon- because grandpa suffered more than dad did, he deserves more love and affection from me.) This is a useful tool employed by immature boys and girls to attract the attention of prospective dates. They simply put up facebook statuses proclaiming their ‘grief’, usually due to a broken relationship that was already half baked. Just see the likes and comments pouring in, without having to ever use a pick up line or bravely approach your crush.
Category: Attention Seekers
4. Stalling off envy: Oh you don’t want to live my life, I suffer so much.
I had a classmate who topped the class every single time. The rest of us mere mortals would finish our examination and step out of the hall only to find her deeply immersed in a book or a quiet conversation with her group. We would ask her with a cheerful intent,
“Hey, how did it go?”
“Oh don’t ask me... terrible...I doubt it if I will even pass...”
“It couldn’t have been that bad. I did fine, so you must have done better...”
“You have brains girl, you can pull it off. I didn’t even study for the examination.”
“Ah, nobody does that anyway. So what did you write in question number 8?”
“I wrote nothing. I wrote utter crap.”
“Well, it was fine for me. But I could manage just 500 words and that question was worth 10 marks. I doubt whether I would get 8.”
“Oh god, don’t even ask me, I wrote JUST 15 pages. It’s all crap. I am not even going to get a 1 or 2.”
We would walk away, only to see her score a 90 percent in that paper. People use grief similarly. Praise their new haircut, they complain about their hair loss. Tell someone how active they seem, they complain about their arthritis. Congratulate someone on their graduation, they tell you how worried they are they won’t get a job. They have to make sure you are always concerned for their well being and praying to god to alleviate their problems when they don’t even have any. Their theory- success attracts envy, failure attracts other losers to pray for you. These people despite their edges, do not get far in life, because one day, the losers always wake up to the fact that they’re been taken for a ride. These people are then looked down upon as fake and eventually abandoned.
Category: Concern Seekers, Wily, Cunning
5. The Shut-up Phenomenon: You think you know a lot... what do you know about grief? I do!
A random conversation steering towards an argument,
“Two plus two is four.”
“Of course not, it is five.”
“Think rationally, it is four, I can prove it to you.”
“I don’t need any proof. You doubt me? Don’t even dare you moron! It is five.”
“Okay let’s ask someone else. Hey what is two plus two?”
Someone says, “Four.”
“See! I told you. It is four. You are wrong.”
“I? I am wrong?” Bursts into tears. “You have any idea how hard I worked to find out that two plus two is five.”
“Hey...don’t cry...I didn’t mean to...”
“You know I spent my entire pocket money to buy you a gift. And you accuse me...”
“Hell no, I am not accusing you but...”
“What else can there be? You cannot agree with me for a simple thing such as two plus two. I have suffered so much. It was only your addition to my grief that was missing.”
“Uh...please...okay...it is five.”
“No, I don’t want to force you...don’t worry about me, I have suffered like this all life...”
“No. It is okay. Two plus two is five. Period.”
This is a common method employed by many overbearing parents to convince their children to choose a career or a spouse of their choices. The shut-up phenomenon is best seen in emotional blackmail. To flash your apparent suffering and force the other person’s rational mind to morph into an emotional saga is the best weapon to employ when you have no logical argument to support your claims. Rationale doesn’t accept unreasonable demands. Emotion does. These people are necessarily stubborn people who always have to get what they want, even at the cost of others’ happiness.
Category: Stubborn, Demanding, Domineering, Illogical
Emotions are just our responses to phases of life, not meant to be used as tools for ulterior motives. The next time you flash your suffering or grief, think about why you’re doing it. If you feel it beyond your self control, cry your heart out. If you find yourself fitting into any of the above categories, go to a shrink right away. If you find someone else fitting into the above categories, send them to one or run away as fast as you can!
5. The Shut-up Phenomenon: You think you know a lot... what do you know about grief? I do!
A random conversation steering towards an argument,
“Two plus two is four.”
“Of course not, it is five.”
“Think rationally, it is four, I can prove it to you.”
“I don’t need any proof. You doubt me? Don’t even dare you moron! It is five.”
“Okay let’s ask someone else. Hey what is two plus two?”
Someone says, “Four.”
“See! I told you. It is four. You are wrong.”
“I? I am wrong?” Bursts into tears. “You have any idea how hard I worked to find out that two plus two is five.”
“Hey...don’t cry...I didn’t mean to...”
“You know I spent my entire pocket money to buy you a gift. And you accuse me...”
“Hell no, I am not accusing you but...”
“What else can there be? You cannot agree with me for a simple thing such as two plus two. I have suffered so much. It was only your addition to my grief that was missing.”
“Uh...please...okay...it is five.”
“No, I don’t want to force you...don’t worry about me, I have suffered like this all life...”
“No. It is okay. Two plus two is five. Period.”
This is a common method employed by many overbearing parents to convince their children to choose a career or a spouse of their choices. The shut-up phenomenon is best seen in emotional blackmail. To flash your apparent suffering and force the other person’s rational mind to morph into an emotional saga is the best weapon to employ when you have no logical argument to support your claims. Rationale doesn’t accept unreasonable demands. Emotion does. These people are necessarily stubborn people who always have to get what they want, even at the cost of others’ happiness.
Category: Stubborn, Demanding, Domineering, Illogical
Emotions are just our responses to phases of life, not meant to be used as tools for ulterior motives. The next time you flash your suffering or grief, think about why you’re doing it. If you feel it beyond your self control, cry your heart out. If you find yourself fitting into any of the above categories, go to a shrink right away. If you find someone else fitting into the above categories, send them to one or run away as fast as you can!
